10 Secrets of Successful Flirting


10 Secrets to Successful Flirting

Successful flirting requires the ability to convey that you like someone rather than to show off and impress. If your 'target' knows that you find him/her interesting and attractive, he/she is more likely to like you. To convey that you like someone and to accurately judge whether or not the attraction is mutual involves a combination of verbal and non-verbal communication skills.

flirtingIn flirting, use “tells.” “Tells” are nonverbal signals that give indications of what is beneath the surface of awareness. They communicate something about true subconscious feelings. Be alert and aware of your “tells” and those of the other person.
When you first meet new people, their initial impression of you is likely to be based on your appearance and body-language (55%), on your style of speaking (38%), and only 7% on what you actually say.

 Do initiate flirtation with people of roughly the same level of attractiveness as yourself:
This gives you the best chance of compatibility. Most successful relationships occur between partners of roughly equal good looks. Of course, other qualities are also important, but statistically, relationships where one partner is much more attractive than the other tend to be less successful.

 Don't flirt with people who are unlikely to return your interest:
Even if you are not looking for a long-term mate, flirting is most enjoyable with someone who finds you interesting. It makes sense to approach people likely to see you at least as a possible partner, rather than those likely to dismiss you as unsuitable. Use the non-verbal signals (“tells”) to assess approachability.

 Use Non-Verbal Flirting Techniques:
Eye contact – Signal your interest in someone by making eye contact and attempt to hold your target's gaze for more than one second (not too much more, though, or you might be perceived as threatening). If your target maintains eye contact with you for more than one second, the chances are that he/she might return your interest. If they glance back and focus their gaze on you again – GO!!

Interpersonal distance - The distance, or personal space, you keep from the other person affects his/ her impression of you. This is as important as the quality of your interaction. Pay attention to how the other person uses distance because it is likely to tell you a great deal about his/her reactions and feelings towards you. If you are whispering in their ear, you are too close!

smilingPosture - When flirting, you can use postural “echo” to create a feeling of togetherness and harmony. Experiments have shown that although people are not consciously aware of someone deliberately 'echoing' their postures, they evaluate a person who does this more favorably. If you 'echo' your partner's postures, he/she is likely to feel more at ease in your company and to perceive you as more like-minded.

Facial Expressions – SMILE!! Humans rely more on facial expressions than on any other aspect of body language. As a general rule, your face should constantly inform the other person during a flirtatious conversation. Inexpressiveness, i.e., a blank, unchanging face, or lack of eye contact, will be interpreted as lack of interest.

Touch - Touch is perhaps the most powerful, subtle and complex form of communication. It is our first sense. Experiments show that even a light, brief touch on the arm during a social encounter between strangers has an immediate and lasting positive effects. Polite requests for help or directions when accompanied by a light touch on the arm, for example, produce much more positive results.

Vocal Signals - Attraction and interest communicate much more by tone of voice than by what is actually said. Depending on the tone, volume, speed and pitch, even a simple phrase such as "Good evening" can convey anything from "Wow, you're gorgeous" to "I find you totally uninteresting.” Aim for moderation in volume and tone, with enough variation in pitch and pace to hold your companion's interest. Modulate your vocal signals with the appropriateness of your familiarity and of the context of the situation.

wavingOpening Lines - Your opening line is not really very important. Striving for originality and wit is a wasted effort. The best 'openers' are those easily recognized as 'openers' - as attempts to start a conversation. Ask a direct, open question such as "What do you think of this weather?" Direct questions demand and require a reply. They communicate honestly and clearly your intention allow the conversation to move forward if the other person is open.

Turn–Taking - Once you have initiated a conversation with your chosen target, your success in making a favorable impression depends as much on your social skills as on what you say. Balance your contribution to the conversation by making it roughly equal to that of your partner. The essence of a good conversation, and of a successful flirtation, is reciprocity: give-and-take, sharing, and exchanging information with both parties contributing equally as talkers and as listeners.

Talking - Negativity is a huge turn off, as is revealing too much about yourself too soon. Simple compliments are always welcome, but keep them light and general. Excessive compliments appear ingratiating. Maintain eye contact and congruity!

Listening - Good listeners have distinct advantages, but being a good listener requires much more than keeping quiet and letting the other person talk (although this certainly helps). Good listening skills involve giving good 'feedback', both verbally and non-verbally so the other person gets a clear indication that you are paying attention, are interested, and want to understand what they are communicating.

Reciprocal Disclosure - One of the most important aspects of verbal flirting is 'reciprocal disclosure' - the exchange of personal information. In fact, unless partners disclose at least some personal details, the conversation can hardly be called a flirtation - even something as innocent as the fact that one likes warm weather or Italian food, is a move towards intimacy. The key to successful flirtation is to escalate the level of intimacy gradually, always maintaining a balance between your disclosures and those of your partner. Avoid getting too far ahead by revealing too much, or lagging behind by revealing too little.

Humor - Judicious use of humor can reduce anxiety and establish a relaxed mood. You’ll be perceived as more likeable while increasing levels of both trust and attraction. However, be sensitive to your target’s sensibilities when using humor.

Parting - If you’d like to see this person again you have to ask!! Simply say: "Would you like to meet for a drink sometime next week?" (You can use an equivalent request; the exact words are unimportant, but you must make a clear request). If making a date on the spot would be awkward or inappropriate, say something like: "Perhaps we could meet again sometime - may I have your phone number?" If you are female, instead of asking for his phone number, offer your own. Say something like: "Maybe we could have a drink sometime? - Here's my number". This makes it perfectly clear that you are interested, but still requires the man to take the initiative in asking for a date.

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Adapted with permission from Relationship Coaching Institute.